Call me crazy, but have you noticed that men from backpage sites are just not trying like they used to? Nowadays it seems like they all want something for nothing. And their chicks for free.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a man hater by any means. I love men. Live for them actually. It’s just that I have come across lately an abnormally large amount of situations leading me to the conclusion that we may be making things a tad too easy for them. The numbers are well outside any possible standard deviation of ‘just coincidence’ too. Something’s definitely going on.
I’m not talking out of my a** either, like certain people do when they discuss axes of evil and 100 year wars. No, I have concrete examples to support my hypothesis. This theory is well documented. No Fox News story here. This is The Onion quality.
It’s a fact. Every Joe Schmo from down the block suddenly thinks he’s G-d’s gift to women. It’s an outrage! He’s not even trying to fool us with the rocks that he’s got either. Nope, none of that. He’s just Joey from the block. Take him or leave him. Gone are the days when a guy from backpage sites used to add flair and accessories to the equation (like nice dinners, fancy cars and muscles) to try and get women to notice him like he was the teacher’s pet in the front row raising his hand. “Pick me! Pick me!” That’s ancient history.
Each and every perfectly and nothing more than average guy I’ve come across lately acts like he’s the best thing since sliced bread. Like I should be hanging on his every move with bated breath even though he’s making no effort whatsoever. Can you believe this phenomenon? B- level men suddenly acting like men who are too cute. You know what I mean by men that are too cute, right? Physically beautiful men who are too cute for their own good. The stuff trophy husbands are made of. That elite subset of the population (2-3% max), who are so outwardly perfect that they don’t have to try at all because women fall for them regardless. The good-looking of the good-looking men. The best of the best. La crème de la crème.
Some of my friends have even made the conscious decision to avoid men who are too cute like the plague, and vehemently reject any impulse to fall for one should there be inadvertent contact. They’re instead choosing physically below average men, betting on these guys being less of a flight risk. They’re overlooking little issues like man boobs (a.k.a. ‘bitch tits’ as The Flight Club has forever coined them in my mind. “Meet Bob. Bob has bitch tits”), or ‘gradual hair reduction’, (a gentler phrase they prefer to use over the technical term ‘balding’).
I’m actually seriously considering going down that route myself. They might be on to something. I mean, honestly, what’s a little propecia at the end of the day? A drop in the bucket in the big scheme of things.
It’s a smart move if you really think about it, as guys who are normally overlooked and viewed as non-entities can’t rely on their looks and instead need to develop their personalities. They’re funnier. They probably have tougher skin too. Who wants someone so cute he doesn’t know how to deal with the issues that inevitably come up in a relationship since he always just moves on to the next girl and starts fresh again? Someone who more than gets by even though there’s not much going on upstairs? Sounds kind of overrated.
To be fair, it’s not really their fault, since why be the sharpest tool in the shed when your blunt edge gets the job done and then some? But still. It gets old very quickly when you’re with a guy who’s fun to look at but not fun to be with. He starts talking and you just want to say, “Ummm, I’m gonna need for you to be quiet now. Yeah, hush your mouth. Hush it. You’re here for one reason only, for me to look at like a beautiful piece of art, and you’re ruining it. Good for only one thing.” ;0)
I’m just kidding. I’m really not that superficial, but sometimes the personality really is shockingly that bad. One time I went to the movies with this model guy who was ‘really really really really ridiculously good looking’, and I guess he wasn’t that into the movie (or me for that matter), because after ten minutes he said, “You know, I’m just gonna check out,” and proceeded to fall asleep instantaneously. Like a dog can. Because we people usually need a couple of minutes to unwind and gather our thoughts before we can fall asleep, right? Not him. He could “check out” right away. That’s how developed the brain was. Or maybe he was just tired from being out late last night with a different girl? Who knows. The outcome was still the same though.
Anyway, on to the examples of men from backpage site being lazy. What a long digression. That was so George W. of me to go off on a tangent that makes no sense whatsoever.
First off, they’re suggesting ‘grabbing a drink’ in lieu of the old-fashioned dinner date. What the …? When did this tried and true ritual get ousted? Who did this! I like eating. A lot. And when you do end up going out for a meal, men just aren’t offering to pay like they used to. You two will be out to lunch, the bill will come, and he’ll suddenly be looking around, ‘out to lunch’, both literally and figuratively. Which by the way he’s probably asked you to lunch instead of dinner to get the lunch specials and avoid being upsold with before dinner drinks and after dinner desserts.
Which leaves you wondering, is he cheap, or just broke? Because there’s a big difference. Leap year difference. One time this guy and I were ordering lunch at a café that came out to $15. The guy looked upset that he had to pay and I heard some kind of “hmmph!” noise coming from his direction, so I put $10 on the counter to see if he would take it. Which he did. Uh, oh. Trouble. Because who can’t afford $15? That was a test, and he failed. I actually want to pay from time to time, but I can’t for the life of me stand ’splitting’. You split with business associates. Isn’t dating supposed to be all about sharing and collaboration? How positively unromantic to split. Going half on a $15 lunch means the two of us will never ever be going half on a baby, that’s for sure.
Secondly, at the end of backpage dates, they’re putting the ball in our court and making us make the next move. They kiss us, and then say “Call me!” or “Don’t be a stranger!” I always thought comments like these meant you would never hear from them again, but these days, they actually do call a couple weeks later asking why you haven’t called. Uh, because that’s your job? I’m all for equality, but a complete reversal of gender roles is a bit much. I already work hard for the money like a man as it is. I refuse to be in charge of making the first move too. Sorry.
And if you happen to work with a guy who’s taken a liking to you? Forget about it. Every day is a new opportunity for him to cube date. Cube backpage dating is where a guy will stand over your cube like a lion over his prey and talk your ear off over a good thirty minute free ‘date’. Offices breed cube daters like Los Angeles breeds overly plastic surgeried monkey-looking women too. I was the victim of a serial cube dater’s advances once, and let me tell you, it’s not fun. He would come over to my desk every single morning. Now, must we draw attention to the fact that I just got into work at 10:30? So much for trying to quietly sneak in.
Extracting yourself from a cube date is extremely difficult too since they’ve kind of got you cornered. Had you been on the phone with a guy, you could always excuse yourself by yelling, “I’ll be right there!” or calling yourself from your home phone to your cell phone (I know all the tricks). But you’re not. So everyday I would have to get up and take a field trip to the kitchen just to get away from him. He would trail behind, chatting away. It was terrible. A recurring bad backpage date that never ended. Just step away from the cube, mister, step away. I personally find cube daters extremely offensive to tell you the truth. This is a place of business! Come on. Not on company time, Mr. Vice President. Please.
Fourth piece of evidence: They’re roping us into text message relationships. Their toys are stopping romance right in its tracks. Lately I’ve started refusing to respond to text messages. If they truly want to get in touch with me, they know what to do. Because it’s a slippery slope I think. Texting can quickly become the main means of communication if you let it. Letting that type of behavior slide now leads to a future of text sex and trying to live happily ever in eHarmony later. Is that what you really want to look forward to? Text messages saying, “Re: the baby. Crying. Needs milk?” That just wouldn’t fly with me.
I’ve saved the best piece of proof for last though. This one really takes the cake. I think I may just have heard it all. This act alone could have prompted this entire post. My friend was about to have sex for the first time with this guy she’s been seeing, and he got on the bed, TUCKED HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS HEAD with his elbows out, and waited for her to get on top of him. Laid on his back like he was watching a show or a performance.
Wow. I mean, isn’t that a given? No hands behind your head the first time? Maybe that could come later in a relationship where sex has become old hat and taking a breather every now and then is okay. But the first time? You’re supposed to be pulling out all the stops and showing us your good side. (Not your literal ‘good side’ you have when taking pictures. Mine personally is my right side, so I look a little to the left. Works like a charm every time. Not that good side. The other one.)
Is that not the epitome of making the least effort possible? Now if that’s not pure laziness, I just don’t know what is. I can’t imagine hearing about such a thing five, ten years ago. Men who don’t think twice about making non-descript whoopee? They simply didn’t exist. Their reputations were at stake.
I think I’ve finally figured out the reason too. Took me a while, but I’ve got it. It’s porn. Too much easy access to porn on the Internet. Or maybe it’s ‘that rap music’, the scapegoat for everything these days. “You know how everyone’s poor and has no health insurance? Well, have you heard what they’ve been listening to?” Even though I know blaming the music is baloney, I must say on this particular laziness issue that Snoop’s ‘Sensual Seduction’ and Ludacris’ ‘Hoes In Different Area Codes’ sure aren’t helping matters any.
I blame the porn though. It’s the main culprit. Rap is just the getaway driver in a crime that would have happened anyway regardless of him being there or not. There’s simply no other possible explanation besides porn for ordinary guys acting like they’ve got quite the little groupie following.
Not that porn is always bad. I happen to love porn myself. Didn’t leave the house for three straight days when I first discovered it on the Internet as a matter of fact. It’s perfectly fine… in moderation. Might I even say it provides a valuable, needed service for the community? It’s education. And knowledge is power.
But guys’ overuse of porn and their ability to virtually get girls anytime they want is resulting in this undesirable phenomenon of lazy men. Porn is lowering the bar for men and raised the bar for women. Or do I mean the other way around? I mean whatever way means it makes things pretty darn easy for men and very hard for women.
Now that porn is ubiquitious (do you see how my studying SAT words during an entire semester of physics class has really paid off for me?), men just don’t need us quite as much as they used to. The element of desperation that used to be present in the chase is sorely lacking. Men are still chasing, but half-heartedly so. It’s not like if they don’t catch their prey they won’t eat anymore. Oh they’re still having dinner all right. They’re never truly S.O.L when they’re but a computer away.
I’m actually kind of worried. This could quickly transform into a serious problem. Maybe whole relationships could one day become obsolete? Like, a plus, yes, nice to have, sure, but not absolutely necessary. One of my guy friends says the reason he loves porn so much is because of its variety. What if they start being harder to please after seeing hundreds of naked women? That would be horrible. Who wants to get judged on a curve? It’s kind of scary when you really think about it.
So I’m asking men everywhere to consider getting back to basics and returning to old-fashioned dating practices. Scale back on the porn a bit and start thinking about its repercussions. Because this porn / new technology thing might not be all it’s cracked up to be. We might be taking one step forward, two steps back for mankind. Changing things too quickly and jumping the gun often results in serious growing pains. We need adaptation time, just like when the day came that men didn’t need to go out and hunt for food while women stayed home and kept house. There’s just no way that happened overnight. We need to evolve into a new lifestyle. Slowly. Gradually.
It’s always so much easier to nip a situation in the bud and stop it before it gets out of hand too. What if George W. hadn’t had 8 years to run around like a wild banshee wreaking havoc and leaving behind a sorry state of the union for a woman or a black man to fix? Because we are gonna win, one way or another. Hillary is so Plan B it’s not even funny, but we’ll make do if we have too. But that’s neither here nor there.
So men, whadya think? Maybe we should change? (It’s funny because my ex-boyfriend always used to laugh at how I would suggest that he do something or change some habit by turning it into a question. “Should we take out the trash?” or “Should we stop leaving our wet towels on the bed?”) ;0)
So guys, should we stop this nonsense and start taking care of business? Get back to that pedal to the medal behavior you used to exhibit at the beginning of a relationship? Show us that you Mclove us with chivalry and romance? (Sorry, I can’t say ‘lovin’ or any derivative of it like ‘love’ without adding a Mc in front of it. My allegiance to Superbad is just that strong.)
Even if you’ve all banded together and decided to stop trying, flip the script and collectively decide to make a change. A change we can believe in. Because there’s power in numbers. And anything worth having is worth working for, isn’t that right? Besides, a little manual labor never hurt nobody. We can do this men, yes we can. Yes we can.
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