I recently found out that my girlfriend of 2 months has had probably between 10 and 15 partners. Less than half of them were from relationships, and the rest was from her college/party days, which was about 3 years ago.
She tells me that she thinks about this every day with disgust and how her past haunts her. She admitted that she made mistakes and was looking for love/companionship in the wrong way. Though, I can’t seem to get these images out of my head of this type of activity–it kinda sickens me to think about it. She said she had changed after she graduated college and never slept around again.
Going into the relationship, I knew she was a wild/energetic girl, but I didn’t know she partook in that behavior. I know I have to accept that she is now a different person and that I love her for who she is now and she loves me (but the images still remain). She also has a hard time letting go/forgiving herself for the past. Has anybody been in this situation? How do we forget the past and look to the future? I know the answer is obvious, but I just wanted to get some opinions.
Interesting question - and one that speaks to all men out there. There’s the double standard that women should be proper and the thought of them enjoying sex AND enjoying it often, makes us uneasy at times.
For women, sex acts a lot like currency. Sex for a woman is something to be traded and bartered for the items in her life that she wants. Satisfy a rich man who can afford a nice lifestyle for a woman, and he will give it up in return. When dealing with sex without romance, this is as basic as it gets.
When women realize the power they have by giving or withholding sex, they can get reckless. Additionally, women who grew up in unstable or abusive households often crave control. They have no control over their lives and sex is the one powerful thing in their life that they can use to keep control over someone else. Often it’s not intentional, but many times women treat sex the same way a man treats money. I’m going to go into this later in another article.
Let’s go over a few key points though:
- “my girlfriend of 2 months has had probably between 10 and 15 partners. Less than half of them were from relationships”
- She’s graduated college, so I’m assuming she’s in her early-mid 20’s here. First off, don’t be too presumptuous. Two months is still the “getting to know each other” phase, and it sounds like that’s happening. Secondly, women get approached all the time by guys - it’s very easy to get sucked into someone’s world, especially when they’re in a fragile state (after a breakup for example). I would bet that a couple of these partners were one relationship after another - probably seeking balance in her life.
- “the rest was from her college/party days, which was about 3 years ago”
- As I said above, women are approached all the time. When dealing with an environment like college, things happen. Don’t let this define her as it’s probably true that if you had the same chances she had, you’d have taken them as well. Again, young women are barely getting used to the power that they have with sex. It’s very easy to make mistakes, but it’s also important she recognize and admit to them. Otherwise she’s lying to herself.
- “She tells me that she thinks about this every day with disgust and how her past haunts her. She admitted that she made mistakes and was looking for love/companionship in the wrong way. Though, I can’t seem to get these images out of my head of this type of activity–it kinda sickens me to think about it. She said she had changed after she graduated college and never slept around again.”
- A man’s ‘power’ is his dominance, his alpha role in the relationship. The reason you feel sickened is because you want to view her as a slut, but care for her - this is natural. I’d say it’s pretty safe to say that she grew up sheltered or hindered in some way. From what you say she sounds genuine, and that she marks her ‘rebirth’ at the graduation level makes it easier to trust her. If she said she stopped after her last relationship, or a month or two ago - I’d be more skeptical.
- “Going into the relationship, I knew she was a wild/energetic girl, but I didn’t know she partook in that behavior. I know I have to accept that she is now a different person and that I love her for who she is now and she loves me (but the images still remain).”
- They always will. Just as women crave a strong man to make them feel secure, safe, and loved - a man desires a woman who wants to be made secure, safe, and loved. By being with many other partners, she’s taken or stolen that away from you. Because others were allowed to give that to her making your worth appear lessened. It’s manThink in action.
So What To Do?
Well, first off - you’ve already established she’s had a troubled past of some sort. Insecurities have already forced her to compromise the things she wants in the future. Now it’s time to see whether that truly changes her actions and attitude or if she falls into the helplessness and continues into that behavior. In other words - you need time to feel out the situation.
You’re going to run into women like this. It’s the ‘new woman’. So take this time to deal with those demons on your own and accept that you’re not in your mom and dad’s reality, but in one where the rules are different. In the meantime, don’t go overboard trying to give her the security she probably craves. Don’t propose to her, don’t make promises you are not sure you can keep, and don’t punish yourself for her happiness. You’ll only become an enabler. She is in a stage where she’s maturing and will need the support, but also the freedom to make tough decisions.
Now the question is - do you feel that you’re jealous of her lifestyle? Keep your finger on the pulse of this question. As things settle, do you feel truly ready to be in a committed relationship? If not - end things now and allow yourself to find out what you want. Often times when you deal with accepting someone being with multiple partners, the taboo is lifted and suddenly you realize if it’s OK, you want a piece of that.
However, that’s a life of constantly chasing and one that can wear you down. If you have deep feelings for the girl, take things slow, and realize that both of you have issues you need to deal with - and that maybe you can deal with them together.
You’re young and have been in a relationship for 2 months. Remind yourself of that. She deserves time to figure out who she is outside of a crazy and frenzied lifestyle. You deserve time to see how that makes you feel and to get an idea of what you want. Use protection, birth control, and relax and give things time. Marriage and/or a pregnancy would be a bad decision right now.
Reprinted with permission from Loveawake Dating Site. If you are single and haven’t met the right person yet, check out these pages: